One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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