i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
