dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
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We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
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guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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