why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
even my farts smell like vagina
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
