halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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