and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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