God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
