I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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