Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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