Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
