Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
