return my video game
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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