You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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