Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
