I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
