her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i think i have two assholes
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
