He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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