Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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