margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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