We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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