Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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