I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
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It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
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I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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