How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
