Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
