after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
