you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
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Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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