Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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