turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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