Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
