is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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