i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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