Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
