i jhust puked up my retainher.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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