My sheets look like a crime scene.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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