Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
