You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
