We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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