You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
