i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
