I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
