She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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