So drunk its hurt
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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