apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
