she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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