i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
