She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
