legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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