I faked an abortion last night.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
