I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
