Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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