don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
