The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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