Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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