remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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