I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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