I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
